Beyond all Edges

“I would much rather have regrets about not doing what people said, than regretting not doing what my heart led me to and wondering what life had been like if I’d just been myself.”
~Brittany Renée

Why is it so hard to do things you like?
It starts in school. Everytime you do something weird people are looking at you or laughing at you. If you tell them about your dreams, they are laughing even more and don’t take you seriously. If you don’t want to let it take you down you have to believe in yourself and think that the others are the stupid ones because of their own boring live: school, degree, work, death. But that’s not that easy or right.

Sometimes you want to have people behind you who believe in you and say things like “why not? Try it!”. But in school you can forget about it. For the most part friendships in school are superficial. I don’t think that you stay or become very close to someone after graduation. But what do you have to do? School teaches you, school prepares you for the life out there. But not in every aspect.
How can you have self-confidence to take a risk, if nobody believes in you? If you don’t meet people’s expectations. Yes, of course. You have your family and real friends who should support you. But real friends are hard to find. I’m happy that I have some really good friends who support me and don’t say things like “are you stupid? stop dreaming, retard”. But sometimes it’s not enough if you have parents who don’t believe in you or take you seriously.

School is the most important thing. You have to learn, you have to get good marks. Then you have to go to the university and earn your degree. Have you sent some applications? Did you look up for a job? How do you want to spend your life without money. What you want to do after school is bullshit. Don’t waste your time. I hate it.

I graduated 2 months ago and my parents don’t stop terrorising me. “What do you want to do? You have to write applications. You have to find a job. Those things you can do after you have your degree and your job”. I hate it.

I missed my childhood because of such things. “Video games are for little kids. You have to learn for school. Do you read a lot? What? You’re watching TV and playing video games? How disappointing. Drums? How disappointing. Wherefore?”.

I couldn’t afford a console so I had to borrow them or go to a friend. And now. I’m 20, 21 soon. I’m trying to catch up my childhood by playing all games and watching anime I wanted to play or watch my whole life. People played video games with 10 or 15. My parents laughed at me as I played my PS2 with 18. “Video games are for kids”. Haha.
And now after my graduation I have to decide what I want to do. But I don’t know. In school you have to learn things you’re not interested in or you have to learn for your exams. I had no time to find the right thing. I was busy with school stuff. A lot of people knew what they want to do. Doctor, lawyer, banker. Thank you, I am not interested.

Why don’t you have time to find yourself? I had so much things to do that I don’t know who I am and what I want to do. Of course, I know who I am but I don’t know what I like the most, what are my biggest passions, what I want to do or to be in 10 years. Now it’s the same thing. You have to do this, you have to do that. But what do_I_want to do?

First I told them I want to do things I wanted to do but didn’t had time. “You’re wasting your time. You can take 1-2 months and then you have to do xy”. Yes, I can catch up my whole life in a couple of weeks. Haha. I wanted to do so many things when I was in school that I’m nowhere perfect or very good. I’m good in art but not that good and I could be better, if I were focused on one thing. But I was not. I don’t know what I have to do. My parents say “you waste time”. What is wrong with taking one for yourself? 1 year to find yourself, to find something I want to do. No, I have to look about for a job, schooling, something. I hate it. Please stop.

Then I was inspired to create something like charms or jewelry. I thought if it was good, maybe people would like it Maybe I can open an online shop to share my things with the world. What did my parents say? “Such firppery I can do after my degree”. Yes, I could. But I don’t know what I want to learn. I don’t want to catch up things everytime. I don’t want to live a life I didn’t want. I want to do things I like. Maybe THIS is what I want to do my whole life. Maybe not. Maybe I will find something. I don’t plan to stay 10 years at home and do “nothing” but my parents think so. I hate it. I hate this pressure.

I have people around me who say “if you want to do that, then do it. It is your life and you should live and do things you like”, “when they see you’re successful then YOU can laugh at them”. But parents can be so annyoing.
I know they want my best and they want that I have a good education and a job but why can’t I count on my parents to back me up? Why can’t they say “if you want to do that, then try it. If it doesn’t work, you’ve tried. The main thing is that you are happy”. But they don’t. They always whisper something and think I will get pregnant or something and don’t work my whole life. Thank you for believing in me.